I used to date a cowgirl. Im a city boy, but her cowboy family insisted I come up for a big family weekend they had planned. I went up and quickly found I was pretty out of my element. These guys and girls were galloping around la**oing each other and all sorts of cliche yeehaw cowboy stuff. I still wanted to be part of the action and offered to help around the ranch. Well as it turned out, one of the calves had died a week prior, and we were asked to move the body from one part of the ranch to another. My then GF and I went over to it on an ATV and got ready to move it.

I saw it, slumped there... About 120 pounds of hairy, dead baby cow. I could hear the flies buzzing from 10 feet away. At a glance I knew it would be a heafty 2 person job to lift it onto the back of the ATV. My then-gf hopped off the ATV and grabbed the front legs, indicating I should grab the back. Would I pa** this city boy test? Would I man the f**k up and get a little dirt on me? Damn f**king straight. I got this.

Worst. Mistake. Ever.

She grabbed the front legs and I had the back. We lifted. Halfway through the maneuver I came to realize the life-changing mistake I had made. I half heard/half felt a deep gurgling sound from within the animal. The guts were shifting. Time slowed down. My face was a mear 6 inches away from it's black, evil looking anus. It almost looked like a rolling, deep brown apple as it stood before me. Before I had a chance to react and drop it onto the ATV, it delivered it's final 'f**k you' to humanity: He unleashed the heaviest, moistest, hottest blast of air that you could ever imagine. Right. In. My. f**king. Face.

The smell is beyond description, but I can a**ure you this: Whatever that was cannot be named a fart. It is off the scale into a realm theorized by science. What may have been a normal cow fart a week ago, had festered, boiled, rotted and perfected itself into the most concentrated form of airborn evil on record.